Messages From My Backyard

First Messages
Why am I so crushed over this loss? People lose stuff every day, don't they? Lot's of people lost something much worse this week than just a stupid job. I haven't even enjoyed working there for more than 2 years! I loved the early days there, but they're long gone. Why does this bother me so much?

Hope I'm not dying of a heart attack and don't have the sense to know it. If it's a heart attack, I think pain is supposed to shoot down my left arm. Or is it the right? I think 3 of 4 of my grandparents had heart conditions. Could there be some undiagnosed problem lurking? One that is waiting to break out during a high stress period such as now?

God, where are You? Someone needs your touch down here. Yohoo! If You don't get here soon, I might be joining You up there sooner than expected. Hello? Maybe I'm out of touch with Him. I'll take a walk in my backyard. In fact, I'll take my camera. The wildflowers are peaking. There's nothing more beautiful than Rocky Mountain wildflowers. Perhaps that will take my mind off of my situation and focus my thoughts on God's creations.


My first stop was a group of magenta flowers, which looked like they might be the mountain kin of honeysuckle. There was a bee drinking from the flowers. I really want that shot. Soon my "first moment of calm in a week" turned back to frustration. I just couldn't get the shot. Everytime I started to click, the bee was already on his way to the next flower. Be patient. Don't jump to the goal. I'll show you the way. Observe the bee's methodology. Ah, grasshopper. (Just kidding. I added that last part.)

I watched a single bee for several minutes. (Trust me, I come from Corporate America. Several minutes of watching anything is a very long time.) Promise fulfilled! I noticed something I had never noticed before. A bee works the same patch of flowers. He followed a precise order from flower to flower to flower. Then to the next plant sipping from flower to flower to flower. His only absences were when he went back to the hive (Or wherever bees go) to dump his load of nectar. He used the exact pattern and never skipped a bloom or even stopped at a flower out of order. Wait for the bee to land on the flower next to the flower you want to shoot. Focus the lens on the target flower. Then take the shot as soon as he lands. Trust that he'll be there. (No pun intended.)

Message One: "Be patient and I'll show you the way."

Message Two: "Learn to trust the methodology and designed order of My universe."

And the best message still waited for me. I normally walk the path next to the fence of my property so I don't have to give a lot of thought as to where I'll walk. I was pretty excited about what God has taught me. Suddenly and spontaneously, I walked through the forest instead of around it. Something bright red caught my eye. Usually anything bright red in my woods is trash. It's just not a common color. This object looked like a tomato, but how did it get there.

I walked over to my red blessing and found a pair of the most beautiful mushrooms I had ever seen just breaking through the loose dirt. The spotted caps were about 7" each in diameter. I couldn't believe it. They were Alice-in-Wonderland mushrooms! At that profound moment I realized that God had sent me a gift of beauty to lift my heart.

Message Three: "Take a different path and see what I do with your life."

I did some research and learned that ancient cultures considered these the mushrooms of the gods. My storybook mushrooms were reported to be poison by some and hallucinogenic by others. People dry them, then eat, drink, or smoke.

Squirrels devoured both mushrooms within 24 hours of my finding them. Still not sure if the little creatures died or are off having a good time somewhere in the purple, pine forest.

Wanted to share a photo of God's gift. He speaks so deeply through His beauty and truth.

Will I Ever Feel Calm Again?
What is with these anxiety attacks? I know they are irrational. Is the stress in my chest strangling me from the inside out or am I being killed by a demonic legion?

I really feel stupid for being so stressed over simply losing a job. I was pretty sure this was coming, confirmed it on Monday, and now it's Friday and I still feel like an already dry dish rag being continually wrung. Twisting, tightness until I can hardly breath. What happens just before a person spontaneously combusts? Oh, I guess no one ever survived to report back.

You can see how I am carefully filling my mind with comforting, positive thoughts about being laid off. Think I should read Peale's book again. Or meditate on Proverbs 4:23 (NCV) "Be very careful about what you think, your thoughts run your life."

Oh boy, am I in trouble. I've been thinking of all of the times I took the high road in Corporate America when I knew I was a lamb among wolves. I also knew God would honor me for doing the right thing. On the day I was notified of my job loss, I told a number of friends (Christians and non-Christians) that this was a great time to watch my life. That saying you were a Christian when your life was going well is easy. I actually said, "You watch what God will do with my life!" Now, I cringe at the thought, but I meant it. I still mean it, but now I also fear it. What was I thinking?

John Eldredge makes a great point by challenging Christians to live as if God had to come through. I have taken this message to heart, but fear I have taken it too far. But really, if I look at my life, God has taken me many places and has shown me many things, in spite of what I did.

I'm afraid I'm going to have a heart attack. It does run in the family!

A-Stigmatized
I've been notified that after 7 years, my job has been eliminated and I will be included in an upcoming "reduction in force." I thought it might be coming after three years of lay offs all around me. The mathematical equation is when so many staff members go, a company eventually doesn't need as many managers. It's been a great ride.

My emotions are mixed, but I plan to catch up on all of those things I never got around when I was working too many hours a week, like writing blogs and exercising all of those high-tech benefits: almost free computer glasses and the surgery my doctor recommended in January.

Speaking of vision aids, I have so many, I almost need a tracking system. Contacts with reading glasses; Regular glasses with bifocals; Clip on magnifying lenses; Clip on sunglasses lenses and now computer glasses for use without contacts. Good characterization for one who wants to see, or at least control vision. One simple eye surgery would render most of these spectacles useless, but the truth is sometimes I like wearing glasses and sometimes I like not seeing.

It's weird that most of my friends haven't contacted me since the lay off announcement. Survivor's guilt, I am told. I'm considering starting a line of humorous greeting cards for those laid off. The big question is should the cards be sent by or to people who were laid off? This will at least help to keep connections among friends. I think people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. Even the friends I have talked with seem uncomfortable with my jokes. They always laughed before. I haven't changed, have I?

Overall, this is really a very funny experience. The people in my lay off classes were hysterically funny---not entirely intentionally. I thought one angry man was going to storm the campus and take hostages. He cussed and fussed until he made himself the laughing stock of the class. What do people think the job deal is? You work a week for which you get a check and then you and the company are even. Our company is even paying us to not work for two months. Isn't this a great deal? But I know how the angry man feels. It still hurts a little. This company employs thirty thousand people around the world and they don't even have one slot for him---or me.

Ever been stigmatized by your friends? Is there a big "L" on my forehead? (Laid off, not Loser!)People tend to be cemented to their jobs. When I mention to friends that my job is going away, I am treated with the same sympathy as I would for losing a loved one. This is absurd! I did suddenly lose a wonderful brother-in-law in February and the experience isn't even close. It is only a job. Yes, I've invested a great deal of my time there, but God has done His work and He is apparently done with my being there for now. Perhaps, He'll permit me to eat, pay the mortgage, and write? Ah, novels or screenplays that is the question?